Last night before I drifted off to sleep, my mind was full of dread as I knew Tilly would wake me up at some obscene hour. And boy was I right!
I have been the lowest I have felt for a few months. I lost my pills which made me feel like an incompetent parent. I knew they were in the packet and in a sealed pharmacy bag, so tilly couldn't get to them. But they are my security blanket! I didn't even make the effort to go out today, which meant tilly was cooped up at home. I have hidden behind FB today and then nobody knows how I am feeling and I don't have to explain it to anyone. Today I have found it so hard to be around tilly, she hardly sleeps and it is tiring me out, causing me to have a short fuse. Thank god for the other kids who have helped out. Although I have kept her at arms length, when she smiles at me or cuddles me ~ I know its all worth while. She is the most adorable baby. I know she doesn't understand why mummy has a short fuse and doesn't want to be around her. All I want is for some time just for me. I want someone to say' I will have tilly tonight, you go away for the night and get some sleep'. I am in bed as I write this dreading the thought of another early morning. Best go to sleep as 530 comes round too soon :( xx
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