strange day :/

Hmmm bit of a weird one today. I tried everything to stay out of the house today. what am I avoiding? The loneliness? The housework? The responsibilty or the sheer fear of being shut inside 4 walls with the baby. WHO KNOWS! My head is full of crap today and the most amazing ideas ~ ideas that are impossible to do, but hey a girl can dream. Had a lot of thinking time today, thought about the overdose and how Tillys dad saw me take the pills and then just got up and walked away. From that moment, I knew he was a coward and was scared of being found with me and being caught out by his girlfriend. I knew from that moment that I wasn't scared of this pathetic figure of a man anymore. Xx

not a good day today :(

Last night before I drifted off to sleep, my mind was full of dread as I knew Tilly would wake me up at some obscene hour. And boy was I right!
I have been the lowest I have felt for a few months. I lost my pills which made me feel like an incompetent parent. I knew they were in the packet and in a sealed pharmacy bag, so tilly couldn't get to them. But they are my security blanket! I didn't even make the effort to go out today, which meant tilly was cooped up at home. I have hidden behind FB today and then nobody knows how I am feeling and I don't have to explain it to anyone. Today I have found it so hard to be around tilly, she hardly sleeps and it is tiring me out, causing me to have a short fuse. Thank god for the other kids who have helped out. Although I have kept her at arms length, when she smiles at me or cuddles me ~ I know its all worth while. She is the most adorable baby. I know she doesn't understand why mummy has a short fuse and doesn't want to be around her. All I want is for some time just for me. I want someone to say' I will have tilly tonight, you go away for the night and get some sleep'. I am in bed as I write this dreading the thought of another early morning. Best go to sleep as 530 comes round too soon :( xx

Wow the feedback from my first blog was amazing! people stopped me in town the day after and told me how it had made them cry, other women told me how they had suffered from PND too. I was absolutely amazed and shocked, i phoned Rachy and Carol to tell them. They have both been my rock.

One night i was convinced that i had bought the wrong baby home from baby group and wrote on the group wall, I was sure this baby was in the wrong house and couldnt even bring myself to call her by her name. Carol called me at 1am to make sure i was ok - that is the sign of an amazing friend :)

When i look back to when i joined the PND group, i remember just looking and reading the posts that people were writing, and feeling the same way -Yet not feeling strong enough to write how i was feeling.  Now i see what the ladies write and feel able to offer support and advice. Its great to see the group growing and more ladies joining in with the discussions.

At the moment, i feel wonderful and free from the grip of the evil that is the Depression. I am so tempted to stop taking the tablets, but i know that its the tablets that are keeping me sane and free from the psychosis - so i will carry on with them :) xx

The first year in a nutshell

When i was pregnant with tilly i lost her twin @ 8 weeks, but people told me that i should be grateful that i still had one baby - call me selfish but i wanted them both and came close to losing Tilly @ 19 weeks.

she was born on 9th march 2010 by C- section and bethany my 15 yr old was there to be the first to hold her. All went well and i was allowed home 2 days later.

I was fine for 6 weeks and i had loads of helpers with my 18 year old kimmy, zach 16 and beth 15. they always took her for walks and helped out around the house.

At about 6 weeks, i started to feel very down and very restricted. Before i had Tilly, i was a happy go lucky girl with many friends and so much confidence. I started to drink quite heavily and every day - i thought nothing of going out for the night and not coming home. Tilly was left with my other children. i started to resent Tilly and all though it hurts me to think this now, but at the time i hoped i would wake up and find her dead in her cot - then my life would be back to normal.

I wanted to be with people all the time and never be at home.

I got close to a male friend  and we started to sleep together, the first time it happened was when Tilly was 4 weeks old. this continued on through the summer.

at 6 weeks i was diagnosed with PND and given 20mg Citalopram to take, after a few weeks of being on this dose, a so-called friend, told me that i didnt look like i was coping so encouraged me to go back to the docs and get my meds increased. They were increased to 40mg, but i had side effects and couldnt stop shaking. My life was spiralling out of control and i couldnt stop it :(

One night i was in the pub and i stood and told everybody at the top my voice that i hated my baby, and i tried to give her away to random strangers. looking back now - this horrifies me, but at the time it seemed normal.

I went back to the doctors and she reduced my medication to 30 mg, but i told her that the medication had made me feel worse, and as i trusted a doctors judgement - i took the pills. I started to feel like people were talking about me and my confidence dropped.

I tried to carry on as what i perceived as normal - but the heavy drinking and the staying out all night with my male friend was taking its toll on my home life - i tried everything to stay away from home, from reality.
one evening after drinking with someone who i thought was a friend i went home very tearful and with out even thinking about it, i took a months worth of meds and downed them!

The worst thing was that my kimmy realised what i had done and called an ambulance..... the look on her face and the panic in her voice will live with me forever. 

I was taken to hospital and wasnt released till i saw a psyciatrist and i lied through my teeth so that i would be released. Lying in that hospital bed, made me realise how close i came to losing my teenagers. i realised that i had to sort mysef out.

I went home and all my kids got in bed with me for the night, and for the first time ever i put my baby in my bed and slept with her. I had to bond with her.

i didnt let my kids out of my sight for a week after the overdose, and never left the house. i came of my meds and realisation set in that been played by my friend who had been the one who had encouraged me to get higher meds and then lied to people around me. I found out in a few days after the overdose, that she had told people that i stole from her. she also told people that she had been left to cope with Tilly while i was in hospital - again she was lying. She had also lied about my male friend trying to rape her and had lied to him about me. she had taken advantage of my state of mind.

I slowly bonded with my baby and carried on sleeping with her - it meant i was the first thing she saw in the morning and she was the first thing i saw.

It was hard coming off the meds,the feeling of people talking about me returned, i had this part of my brain convinced that when i saw peoples lips move the words coming out were about me. i had a battle of evilness going on in my head, and i had a little bit of my mind trying to tell me that it was ok and they werent talking about me. but the evilness kept winning. i found myself checking the local newspaper to see if there was any articles about, anything nasty said about me in the letters page. other than that i was coping without the meds - everynight i would congratulate myself at getting through another day :)

My relationship with Tilly was growing, but i was still pleased to get back to work from maternity leave. so when she was 7 months i was back in superdrug,three days a week.

I would get up and enjoy going to work - but eventually i started to panic at the thought and the thoughts in my head were telling me that everyone would be nasty to me, and i would see people talking and thinking that they were talking about me.

all was going well and i coped untill before xmas when Tilly was ill again. I started to think the childminder was somehow poisoning tilly, as she was always ill with a cold, or sickness and eventually bronchiolitus and had to go to hospital. looking back now, i know its not true. it was me being dillusional.

I struggled through xmas and january, but the thoughts were getting more convincing, till i realised what was happening again andi knew i had to get help again. The doctor was very helpful and told me it is a psychosis and i am learning to live with it. i am back on the meds and see a psyhiatric nurse every other week. i have cut down my hours at work, so that i only need the childminder for 4 hours a week - i still dont like dropping her off. i keep telling myself that tilly is safe there and they wont harm her, but sometimes its hard.I know that she is safe, but there is a constant good v evil going on. i call the evilness in my mind the devil, and the goodness is the angel.

alot of people abandoned me, when i needed them. One called me a drama queen. But some friends have helped me through and i am lucky to have them.

I am living day to day with this and I WILL WIN xx