strange day :/

Hmmm bit of a weird one today. I tried everything to stay out of the house today. what am I avoiding? The loneliness? The housework? The responsibilty or the sheer fear of being shut inside 4 walls with the baby. WHO KNOWS! My head is full of crap today and the most amazing ideas ~ ideas that are impossible to do, but hey a girl can dream. Had a lot of thinking time today, thought about the overdose and how Tillys dad saw me take the pills and then just got up and walked away. From that moment, I knew he was a coward and was scared of being found with me and being caught out by his girlfriend. I knew from that moment that I wasn't scared of this pathetic figure of a man anymore. Xx

not a good day today :(

Last night before I drifted off to sleep, my mind was full of dread as I knew Tilly would wake me up at some obscene hour. And boy was I right!
I have been the lowest I have felt for a few months. I lost my pills which made me feel like an incompetent parent. I knew they were in the packet and in a sealed pharmacy bag, so tilly couldn't get to them. But they are my security blanket! I didn't even make the effort to go out today, which meant tilly was cooped up at home. I have hidden behind FB today and then nobody knows how I am feeling and I don't have to explain it to anyone. Today I have found it so hard to be around tilly, she hardly sleeps and it is tiring me out, causing me to have a short fuse. Thank god for the other kids who have helped out. Although I have kept her at arms length, when she smiles at me or cuddles me ~ I know its all worth while. She is the most adorable baby. I know she doesn't understand why mummy has a short fuse and doesn't want to be around her. All I want is for some time just for me. I want someone to say' I will have tilly tonight, you go away for the night and get some sleep'. I am in bed as I write this dreading the thought of another early morning. Best go to sleep as 530 comes round too soon :( xx